Checking In …

I’m checking back in after my absence for a few weeks.

I almost did not post today. But, didn’t want anyone to worry about where I am or if I am okay!

I am home now, we had a wonderful week at the beach with four couples from our youth. One couple we had not seen for 40 years. It was a delightful peaceful time away. Posting does not dominate my restful quiet times.

Another reason, my posts have been irregular this summer is … in the midst of all our moving, unpacking, setting up a new household, I injured my back!!🥴

I have never had back problems. Can’t say that anymore! I kept thinking I was getting better. I tried to be smart about it all summer. But, it kept ramping up again, worse than the time before! Yikes!

By the time I went to the physical Therapist last week, I was doing nothing and hurting very badly. Normal routine life was totally disrupted and the back issue invaded every part of living!! Basically, I was miserable. The therapy is working. I am still guarded with limited activity. But, I have gotten some relief … thank God! (Sincerely) The doctor says it is a common injury and should be easy to heal!! Again … thank God!

I don’t likely need to tell you, but when you are living with pain, it is hard to ignore! My heart goes out to any of you who are living in this space!

Of even greater significance, is the state of the world the last few weeks!!

I’m not going to list all of the life-shaking happenings around the world and close to home, but it has been a boat load of tragedy, trauma, horror, evil and heartbreaking events. I feel like multiple times a day something awful occurs.

I am not going to offer solutions, quote platitudes or even pretend to have a single answer to the world’s problems. I don’t even understand the complexity of all these issues. Quite frankly, I don’t have the fortitude to research, study or watch video after video to attain the “full picture”. I don’t even know who to believe on many of these heartbreaking issues. It is so sad and brings grief upon grief upon grief to my doorstep.

Here is what I know about myself. I do not have fight or flight in me! I FREEZE when faced with horrible situations. I go blank! I can’t think. I am blindsided. My first response is not anger. My first response is feeling frozen. I can’t move. I don’t know how to respond!

If anyone ever breaks into my home (I’ve thought about this many times), I will not be able to run or defend myself. I will be glued to the floor wherever I stand or sit. My body simply does not surge with explosive fight or flight. It doesn’t. Maybe it’s some sort of hormonal issue, but I freeze. It takes me a while to process the situation and register it in my brain. Honestly!

It’s likely some of you will be disappointed in my reaction. You may expect me to expound on what is happening and take a stand for something. And it’s likely all of you will not agree on the “something”. I am sorry if I did not meet your expectations but this is how I work. I need to process and process to arrive at my thoughts.

Do I think the events are horrible!! YES, a million times! Do I wish they wouldn’t have happened? YES! Do I wish I had a solution? Yes! Am I grieving all the losses? YES! Grief is an individual process and this is what mine looks like!

Here’s the other thing, I’ve learned about myself … it does not help me to listen to 2,000 people’s opinion. That just gives me more gunk to weed through … an overwhelming amount! I don’t know if I believe all these people. I don’t know if they are skewing information to support their views. And quite frankly, I don’t have the gumption to figure all of that out! I am grieving!

Another thing I have learned … Don’t believe everything you hear. People are so shrewd at couching verbiage to make it palatable and sound correct. Remember, that old children’s church song … oh, be careful little ears what you hear? It’s still true. Even people proclaiming to be a Christian can twist and manipulate scripture/the Bible for their own purposes. It may “tickle your ears” but it may be far from truth given context and scriptural intention.

While I am frozen, this is what dawns on me … Weep and Pray!

Pray for the hurting and their families. Pray for the innocent. Pray for the leaders. Pray for peace. Pray for God’s merciful intervention. Pray for our world, whose image changes daily.

As I grieve, I pray.

Grief is not something you get over! You learn to live with it! It fills the hole that losing creates. It is a sign of love.

Today, two years ago, my Dad left this world. His heart stopped and he entered eternity. He would be shocked at where the world has gone in two years. He would be weeping and praying, so would Mom who left three years before him.

Not long before he passed, Dad shared these words with me, “The longer I live, the fewer answers I have.”

He was a very well educated man. He held a doctorate degree. He taught not only at a university as a career, but taught from the Bible his whole life as well. He prayed and studied scripture every day!! I mean studied not simply reading. He never stopped learning, reading and challenging himself. He had a confirmed genius IQ. He would not want me to highlight these things about him. He was humble and people were more important than any earthly accomplishment!

I think I am beginning to understand what he meant. Simple answers can’t make sense of the complexities of this world. Where once, I gave answers, I now know, I have none. My easy words no longer measure up to the complicated questions, if I am honest enough to admit it. I am okay with that. I am not God and do not have to try to be. I am okay with not having all the answers.

I have my hands full grieving, weeping and praying!

How do you respond to tragedy/trauma?

How are you coping?

Life is Hard,