I Just Don’t Want To!

 

Has life ever handed you an “I Just Don’t Want To”?

Maybe, an unseen twist, a dreaded outcome, an anguishing assignment…. Maybe, a grandson moving ten hours away! (Not to mention his Dad and pregnant Mom!)

It happened, last week!

I’ve known for a couple of months it was coming. (That didn’t help at all!) I dreaded the approaching date, while I tried to hold on to every moment we had together. I tried to stare at him longer, hug him tighter, kiss him more, do all his favorites, take more pics/videos, etc. I tried my hardest to make the most of the time: to imprint our hearts and minds with each other.

He’s been my two-day-a-week side-kick for two years and nine months, since his birth. He is a huge joy-bringer!! He is a miraculous blessing in our lives and the life of our family! I. Can’t. Even.! 

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Photo Credit: Olivia G Photography

I tried to not let the impending changes show… to keep normalcy in his life, enough changing was ahead. A little water escaped my ducts when rocking or kissing his head, but I held it together pretty well, in his presence. Believe me, when alone, I had to admit to myself, my insides were screaming… “I Don’t Want To Do This!”

I want to be the “Zee Zee” that lives down the street, stops by on walks, shows up when Mom and Dad are sick, gives Mom and Dad a date night, attend every school performance. Those were my plans. I was completely comfortable and content with that, present and future.

But…

My plans are not always His plans.

(Elaine translation)

Isaiah 55:8

All my prayers and heartache did not change the approaching moments that would change everything about my weeks and days. I did not “sweat drops of blood”, but it felt that earnest and intense… “Please God if there is any other way…”

I. Just. Did. Not. Want. To.!!!

Here we are, a few weeks from Easter and the parallel is obvious…

Jesus. Did. Not. Want. To. Either.!!!

He knew it was approaching. He talked about it with His disciples. He understood the changes ahead would last for eternity. He was very aware of God’s purpose in the events. He perceived every angle, detail and hidden element in His near future. It was clear. It would happen with infinite outcomes.

Yet…

He begged, pleaded, sweat drops of blood asking His father to change the plan. He petitioned God from the deepest places in His soul. His heart flooded God’s ears and ask Him to take it all away. He, literally, shed his own blood, in anguish, over what God was asking him to do. He prayed a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking prayer: asking the only One who could change anything, His Father, to change his future.

Luke 22:41 – 44

41 And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 43 And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. 44 And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

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There was nothing ordinary about this prayer or its requests. He was asking for supernatural intervention. He was entrusting his gut-level, most private thoughts, feelings, fears, and sorrows to One He trusted most. The only One who could help. He was not apprehensive about asking.

I find great comfort in Jesus’ prayer!

He teaches me, I don’t have to “want to.” It’s okay if the plans don’t sit well in my heart. I don’t have to pretend; “it’s fine”, “I can handle it”, or “my feelings are selfish.” I can petition God, pour my heart out, discontent and all. I can be honest: He’ll understand my aching heart and river of tears. He is the only One who can help: the preeminent One to take my troubles and sorrows to.

Yes, Jesus asked, giving yield to God’s desires above His Own. But, it’s hard to pass over the truth that JESUS ASKED and frankly spoke his sadness and grief over the plans set before him.

I have freedom in saying, “God, I just don’t want to.”

I have complete assurance, He understands.

He, better than me, knows what being separated from your children feels like

and offers me sympathy and comfort!

 

Leaning in hard,

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5 thoughts on “I Just Don’t Want To!

  1. I know exactly how you feel except my 2 grandsons have been 3 1/2 hours away their whole lives. I wanted to be the grandparent that was always nearby–now I have to make arrangements to be there, but our times are super special when I do see them and they still seem delighted to see me when I arrive or when they come to see us. Hugs, dear one. Praying God gives you strength for the days ahead.

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  2. I feel your pain, Elaine! The military took mine to California, when she was six months old. FaceTime, FaceTime, FaceTime! And lots of visits and care packages. I saw her about every 3 months. I either flew there or they came here. Her parents were gracious enough, to allow us to invade their lives electronically. They sat us on the dinner table, took us to the park, put us on the toilet, during bath time and even just let us sit and watch her play! I will be praying for your ZeeZee heart! 😘😘😘

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