“Mom, I hope you hate it!” my oldest said when we informed him about my cancer. I knew exactly what he meant! “I do! And thank you!”, I said with tearful eyes!
I knew what he meant because we’ve discussed it at length, more than once.
It seems anti-Christian and against my value/character based rearing. We taught and were taught not to “hate” things, except Satan. I learned plenty of platitudes to dismiss hate and turn the negative/hurt/heartbreaking to palatable.
While platitudes like “God will use this for good”, “It’s part of life”, “Keep moving forward”, “Look at the positive don’t dwell on the negative”, or insert your own… all hold truths, there is a warning if we jump ahead and move past before we deal with reality. I used to. The phrases didn’t always sit right, but they were my learned or preferred way of coping with the hard things.
It is not always comfortable to hold hate and acceptance together, but I have learned to. It’s a dichotomy very strange for sure. But, necessary, I think, to live real, raw, and healthy.
Truth is… God hates disease!
He didn’t make our bodies to break down. He hates the imperfections in the perfect world He created. He hates sin. He hates watching his children suffer. He didn’t design our world to be so. He hates death: He made us to be eternal. The Bible says He weeps with us, he collects our tears, he will never leave us, even in our heartache. He acts as a loving Father to our hurts, devastations, and heartbreaks. He hates our pain. He didn’t want this for us!!
What my son was saying was, “Mom, you don’t have to like this… neither does God! Let yourself grieve, feel the uneasiness, hate cancer!” “Don’t stuff those natural emotions to piously appear to be ok!” It’s not ok. No one chooses it!
I’ve learned, “Hating it” doesn’t consume me. I think that is the fear many have. If I admit I hate it, I do not trust God, or it will overwhelm me and diminish my love for God. NO! A thousand times NO! “Hating it” is agreeing with God!! He did not design us for disease or death! They heave heavy burdens on our heads and shatter our hearts! God understands the shattering. He sees us. His heart, too, was shattered by this world when His son was sacrificed: He had to turn away! He watches His children every day go through “shatterings of this world”!
We don’t have to accept hard things with happiness and glee. We can accept with broken-hearts, heaviness, tears, and hating. We can be honest about the deep feelings of sadness this world brings us! God understands completely and responds to us with compassion, care, and love.
I’ve mentioned before my sons have a band, My Epic, with a lot of recorded music. “I hope you hate it,” is actually one of their lyrics. This song is about things that shatter us. “Black Light” is about those dark places where the light is dim, encompassing and grim. The kind that changes your world forever. If that resonates with you, you’ve been there! I believe we all will be at some point in life.
Here it is if you’d like to experience it:
I have hated my cancer. I don’t want you to think I live behind rose-colored glasses. It’s not fine that my body grew these cells. I don’t wish it on anyone. It has changed my medical status from here till death. Disease has entered my body and I don’t like it. In fact, I hate it!
Yet, I have accepted it. I’ve had the prescribed procedures. I have a great prognosis because of medical technology and therapies. As much as I believe God can use anything for His glory, I won’t piously say I’m fine with cancer. I am not! It shocked me, brought a host of bad feelings, stole copious tears, caused sleepless nights, took me to appointments and procedures, disrupted my life, threw me into the ”C” world and marked me. I pray God somehow uses the black-lights of my life to give Himself glory, only He can!
What I know to be true and what gives me peace is that God goes with me, cares for me, comforts me and loves me! That is what I love!! While my black-light of cancer (you’re black-light may be different) has shattered parts of me, I have confidence God will walk me through, dim the black and grey skies and lead me, again, to sunlight!
I am now in my last phase of treatment… 5 years of medication.
The longest phase for sure! I am tolerating it and praying my body accepts the medication without a revolt!
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my support systems:
My Husband. He has lovingly cared and attended to me, embracing my restrictions. Praying with me and for me always! Encouraging me and cheering me through.
My Daughter and her “In-Love”. They have taken such good care of me. I stayed with them during treatments and appointments. They have spoiled me rotten, pampered, and loved in every way possible!! My daughter would be embarrassed if I listed all the things she’s done. Believe me, she minsters to all the parts of me!!
My Sons and ”In-Loves”. They all live long distance, but keep up with me, checking, encouraging, talking, FaceTiming, visits, sending treats. Just the sound of their voices touches my deep places and ministers to me!!!
My Little Grands… oh heavens… their faces on FaceTime, calls, videos and pics can melt a world of hurt!! I can’t quite explain how it happens, but it does!!!
My Older Grands … Your love, kindness, texts, calls, hugs and care swell my heart! You are outstanding young men! You bless me, always!
My Sister who traveled this journey before me, 17 years cancer free! She has been a beacon of light, advisor, advocate, encourager, open ears and an outpouring of love! I am so thankful I have shared every year of my life with her. She’s amazing!
My Dad who has been a constant prayer partner and encourager! Mom would be so proud of how well he still cares for his children. Mom did most of the phone calling: he has followed her footsteps in her absence! At 91, his love is practiced, noticeable and experienced!
My Brothers, Brother & Sister-In-Laws! Your thoughts, prayers, calls, cards, texts, emails, flowers, encouragement and support is so appreciated!
My Prayer Team… my friends who are my “Go-To-Girls”! They know who they are… couldn’t love them more!
My Church Family. Your love and support has been incredible! I thank God for you! I hope I return the encouragement you’ve been to me!
To You, My Blog Family. Your comments, prayers, wishes, concern, encouragement and support has been unexpected but extremely supportive and appreciated!
I’m 1 in 8!
I hope you hate the things that shatter you. God hates them too. He never meant for your heart to be broken!
All to His Glory,
Feel free to share with a friend(s).
“Subscribe” on the right or below to have all posts delivered to your email inbox.